We’ve been talking about resolving conflict in relationships and marriages, resolving it and everything related to it for the past two weeks and we’re going to wrap it all up today.
Although what we have discussed so far is not all there is to know about conflict management, as knowledge is progressive, but it serves as a foundation or foundation for becoming knowledgeable about managing these problems.
So let’s get into the talk of the day.
Conflict resolution in the home
For me, conflict resolution in marriage should not start after marriage; it’s supposed to start before the wedding.
Couples should have developed good resolution skills before they got married or shouldn’t get married if they haven’t.
That’s why when I do premarital counseling I always ask them if they’ve ever had a serious disagreement and how they resolved it, if they say never I tell them to call off the marriage, go fight first, settle it, then come back to me.
This is because it takes maturity to settle disputes amicably and marriage is not for babies, you give babies food, marriage is not.
Nevertheless, these are some of the things to note when resolving conflicts.
Things to know that can help
1. PERCEPTION: Perception determines how we react to any stimulus.
It is important that we accept in our minds that even when our spouses do what annoys or hurts us, it is often not deliberate.
It’s very rare (unless you’re married to Lucifer’s deputy) that your spouse will sit down and intentionally start cooking up plans to make you miserable.
(It happens, but, we all know that in such a case, the problem is not the conflict, the problem is that you were blind enough to marry a monster).
Thus, if we accept that he/she did not seek to harm me, your answer will be controlled and its resolution easier.
You will not react, you will respond.
2. UNDERSTAND THAT IT TAKES TWO FOR TANGO: So whenever there is a conflict, accept that you are also to blame, you have your contribution too.
This will help you to point fingers less and take responsibility.
The conflict is not about him or her, it is about US.
3. TRY TO DEAL WITH PROBLEMS NOT PEOPLE: It could be so difficult because it’s the person you see most clearly, so it’s so easy to address the person and not the problem.
For example, there is a world of difference between the statement:
“Kayode, you seem to take your time in decision-making and I’m afraid that will slow us down” and the statement: “Kayode, you are too slow for my taste, your slowness is costing this family dearly”.
Words and their use are of utmost importance in conflict resolution.
Whenever your choice of words is an attack on your partner’s person, he will instinctively raise a defense, even though he knows he is wrong.
This will annoy you all the more and it will lead to more reactions and more arguments.
People listen more when they don’t feel attacked.
5. NEGLECT: Before marriage, love should not be blind, but in marriage, sometimes you have to blind it.
What do I mean?
Many problems will be solved if we simply overlook some wrongdoings and mistakes of our partners, especially us women.
It’s really not all the battles you have to fight; you have to decide whether you want to be happy or right.
So sometimes let it go and move on.
Always try to differentiate between the variables and the fixed factors of life in your relationship.
Many of the things we discuss are sincerely variable factors, their presence or absence does not particularly affect the house, beyond our personal opinions about them.
Sometimes we just want to be right and win every argument.
But please, how much did you and I pay for the last argument we won?
What international trophy did you receive?
So sometimes we have to overlook problems.
6. COMMUNICATION: This factor is the foundation of any home.
Communication is different from speech.
Just because you create words doesn’t mean you make sense to the listener.
If there’s a conflict, it’s important that you both communicate about it in a way that both of you understand each other.
Don’t bury the issues, if you don’t agree, let it be known; don’t let it build up trying to be a good partner.
Tell him how you feel in a polite way.
And make sure the problem is fixed.
seven. HOURLY: This is so important for the resolution.
You need to understand that not every time every problem needs to be dealt with immediately.
Learn the principle of delayed response and gratification.
Some things happen when people are around, in the car with people, in a room full of people, etc.
Now is not the time to work things out or when you two are hot.
Some conflict resolutions are best postponed until a more convenient time.
There are issues that you bring up at 2 a.m., late at night, or after a nice dinner.
8. THIRD PARTY: I firmly believe that no marriage can really work without a third party.
There is nothing wrong with involving third parties; it all depends on who the third party is and how much influence you both give them.
You need to know when certain problems are beyond your strength and, if so, ask for help.
That’s why I’m a strong advocate for mentors and accountability figures.
In fact, I warn single women never to marry a man who has no mentor or cover, a Rambo that no one in his life can say “sit there” and he must obey.
Such a man is a brakeless car, he is about to crash and he will take you away.
There are times when to resolve a conflict you need to contact your responsibility figures.
This is necessary for having difficult conversations.
Imagine the case of a woman who was raped and became pregnant.
9. Now, since third parties can also cause conflict in some households, we must handle it in this general way: anyone who does not contribute to the progress, unity and peace of your union must be avoided and c It is the owner of the law who must deal with them.
Ephesians 5:31, Genesis 2:24 and Psalm 45:10.
It’s not just the man that God said had to leave his father and mother, He gave the woman stricter instructions, He asked her to leave her family.
So if your family is causing problems for your spouse, it is your responsibility to stand up for your partner and keep them away.
ten. PRAYERS: Many times, if we pray about problems half as much as we complain or talk about them, there will be less stress.
It is important that we control the spiritual atmosphere of the house.
Don’t break the edge, if you don’t, the snake will barely bite.
11. TO FORGIVE: You can’t resolve conflicts well if you don’t learn to forgive and move on.
Some of us find it hard to forgive people when they hurt us, especially women.
We have this strange ability to always refer to what he did 5 years ago during a new issue, the poor for his life does not even remember what you are referring to.
You see, ladies should please be less emotional and sentimental.
We must forgive.
12. ASK FOR HELP: Seek professional help when you realize you don’t know what to do.
Finally, I think it’s also important that we gather enough information about everyone’s temperaments; it helps to understand why we all act the way we do.
13. FINALLY, FINALLY: Some conflicts should not be resolved.
If the type of conflicts that occur are those that are dangerous to life and health and the perpetrator is unwilling to seek help.
Don’t try to solve it.
Never stay in a toxic environment.
Adetutu Osofowora, popularly known as “Coach Tusky”, is a Word of God teacher and relationship and marriage coach who teaches and speaks about relationships, homes and women’s issues, a counselor with over 2 decades of experience and the president of the Relationship Building Block Organization. as well as the organizer of the Relationship Building Block Conferences, an annual program for singles, married people and counselorss.
She is the author of the widely acclaimed book on marital love, Bedmatics.
Adetutu Osofowora is a leader of HarvestHouse Christian Center, HCC, under the spiritual cover of her pastor and father, Reverend Gbeminiyi Eboda..
She is happily married to Dr Abiodun Osofowora, her husband of 24 years and their union is blessed with 3 lovely children.
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